We don't need a perfect plan

Well it's a few months on since I lost my tooth, and I have been feeling more self-conscious than ever about my mouth. Now not only are my teeth wonky and all different colours, there is also a massive gap if I smile too widely.

I had to go back a couple of times since then to fix up some crappy fillings screwed up no doubt by that charlatan dentist in Scotland who wrecked my mouth in the first place. A perfect example of the NHS not working one little bit (he was charging them for work and doing temporary fixes on my teeth. One of them was in there for 8 years). So I'm another thousand dollars in the hole. And my teeth, although now structurally sound, still look like shite.

Sooooo...off to the other tooth doctor I went to find out what braces could do to fix my teeth. There is something very weird about going to the orthodontist as an adult. The only person in the waiting area unaccompanied by a minor, I felt a bit dodgy. Almost like the time I went to see Finding Nemo at the cinema by myself and could almost feel the parents and guardians of everyone in the room bristling at my presence. Uncomfortable.

Not only this but they made me feel paradoxically juvenile by insisting that all of my earrings were removed before they put me in this ultra-futuristic machine that took a 3D xray of my entire head. I had considerable difficulty getting the piercings out, there's about 7 of them and most of them have not been undone since they were installed. After this my humiliation was prolonged by massive plastic lip spatulas which were installed while some very close up photos of my horrid teeth were taken. Then they filled my mouth with those trays of gunk before sending me on my way ($600 lighter).

A few weeks later and it was back to the office to receive the verdict on my treatment from the orthodontist. I tried to approach reception to announce my arrival but this time was waved away to a touch screen that printed out a ticket. Hmmn, I'm not sure why but I really didn't like this. Then they made me wait for nearly an hour after my appt was due (presumably running late due to lots of children pinging their braces off). By the time I actually met the woman I was so tired i could hardly keep my eyes open. She then casually informed me that i would need 2 years of braces and another year of retainers. At this point I could get some cosmetic dentistry to make my teeth look better. But I would be wearing a retainer for the rest of my life at night.

Hmmn. I said I would think about it.

Toothless Wonder

Why are all of my visits to the dentist destined to be so harrowing? I wish I had been born in a country where people have decent teeth instead of Old Blighty. Am I actual white trash or do I just look it? Jury's out for now. Dr Caustic (yes that is his real name) has just yanked out one of my upper pre-molars. A few quick and painful injections coupled with some ferocious heaving has left me gap-mouthed and $300 lighter. Dr Caustic's first name is Zovan. We use first names. I think this is designed to either make me trust him or feel better about the amount of money I pay him.

We had a good 35 years me and that tooth. Ah the tooth, it had to go, Zovan ascertained this fact months ago in February when all this mouthy hideousness kicked off. Splore fest, I love you and hate you all at once. Three days of non-stop party time ground on me somewhat, back at home there was a nagging feeling on the upper gum line. I have first hand experience of crippling toothache and no way was that happening again so to preempt a massive disaster I took myself to the dentist. What a pity I am not grown up enough to a) Look after my teeth properly or b) Stop partying so hard.

Back at the first visit Zovan advised that in order to keep my teeth I should enter into a significant programme of dental work which may or may not include braces. We discussed several topics from country of origin (he is from Yugoslavia, I am a Scot) to Tom Cruise's smile - still wonky after all those braces - straight but slightly off on the mid-line. He seems trustworthy and has good credentials. Zovan doesn't like braces but told me to go and investigate all options available before acting.

Luckily all dental health professionals consulted about my hillbilly mouth so far have informed me the tooth's days were numbered. It was coming out at some point no matter what. I was simply delaying grown-up decisions gap-mouthedness and poverty for as long as I could. Extracting the extraction. After four months of indecisive havering the tooth snapped.

Now novocain and I are on the sofa feeling tender with a cat on each side and an airline blanket to keep us warm. These things are deceptively effective, if you haven't stolen one already I highly recommend, very toasty. It will also give the illusion of travel when all my saved and future earnings have been spent on my Hillbilly Prevention Plan. The gap has made the decision, it cannot remain, the time for action is upon me. But what action? Braces or bridges or implants and crowns, years of discomfort or years of debt...or both? I have two weeks to heal then it's go time.

Right now I am so emotionally fraught with the whole business I just want to write it out of my head, hence this blog attempt. Maybe I will keep it up, maybe not...but at the least it will give me something to look back on and smile at. Whether I will be grinning through teeth or dentures is another matter. Zovan told me today there is every possibility a human could live to be 200 years old in the near future and my teeth are unlikely to last that long. He seemed serious about that. I think he might be a little bit mad.